"Chicago, IL – Let’s face it, the Chicago Bears look ugly. And I’m not talking about Patrick Mannely’s goatee. I predicted Jay Cutler would be benched by week 6; the proof is posted and dated on Lucking’s refrigerator. When week six rolled around the Bears were 3-2 and the front office saw it more fitting to extend the contract of a guy who shows up to games in a diabetic coma and has thrown 17 interceptions in 9 games rather than bench his ass. Jerry Angelo said, “We have decided to sign Jay through 2013, guarantee him and extra $30 million, and punch Caleb Hanie in the face.”
At the post game press conference following the loss to the 49ers Lovie stated, “Rex is our quarterback” What? Lovie, nobody on your team is named Rex anymore. “There’s a lot of football left to go… we have a lot of football left to go.” Lovie continued, “There are some positives, Brian Urlacher’s arthritis hasn’t acted up for two straight days. Brian has been knitting at his assigned retirement community with senior living member, 97 year old Ruth Ellman who says, “Brian is such a nice boy, his wrist looks strong, he knitted me this scarf.”
The Bears currently have Urlacher signed through 2012, earning about $8 million each of those next 3 years.
Sources within the Bears organization have confirmed that the front office is looking to trade more future 1st round draft picks. after all, trading their 1997 11th overall pick ofr Rick Mirer couldn't have turned out any better for Chicago. Mayber Angelo can work is magic and get the aging veteran "free agents" Henry Burris, P.T. Willis, Steve Stenstrom, Jonathan Quinn, Moses Moreno, Chad Hutchinson, Jim Miller, or Shane Matthews, or maybe even Doug Flutie (who believe it or not actually threw 3 TDs for the Bears back in 1986) back in navy and orange for a 2013 first round pick.
In fact, reports from players allege that Regina McCaskey traded away the Bear's 2011 2nd and 3rd round picks and Brad Maynard's punting net for three cases of chocolate Slimfast shakes. Slim Fast president and CEO James Slimstein stated, "We dont have any immediate plans with the picks, but how could we pass up this opportunity?" He added, "I'm sure the warehouse guys will find use for the punting net. We have sctually had our eyes on Phio State's water boy, Adam Thrall, 26, for a little over a year now. He could be a great addition here at Slim Fast headquarters. We'll most likely pull the trigger and draft him with the 2nd round 42nd overall pick in 2011.
Ron Turner was brought back by Lovie in 2005 following his horrendous stint at U of I. Lovie said, "Ron [Turner] and Dave [Wannstedt] didn't see eye to eye on anything, thats why I'm bringing him back." Turner's resume shows a 38% win percentage at Illinois and two winless seasons in Big Ten play. A perfect fit up in the booth for Chicago.
"Ron is our Coordinator" Lovie mumbled with no emotion at Halas Hall today, "He and I have been sewing a much larger red challenge flag. We hope this will allow us to challenge Cutler's piss poor game time decisions and replay eachpass he throws to the opposing team." Turner added, "We'll even make challenges during the week, throwing the 3 foot, 10lb flag through Jerry Angelo's office windows when he pucks up the phone to talk to Detroit about acquiring the Lion's practice squad center, Dan Gerberry." Too bad the flag wasn't ready when the Gaines Adams proposal went out to Tampa Bay.
