Great Van's Waffle Crisis of 2010

Chicago, IL - It is believed that earlier today in Lakeview, a northside chicago neighborhood, a Van’s waffle shortage may have sparked what may potentially lead to the greatest waffle drought in at least the last 5 months. The waffle supply at 3806 N Fremont was hovering near record lows for several days until late Thursday morning when the waffle supply hit an all time low at zero waffle per capita.

This comes at percarious times, the stockades and pantry are booming with almond butter and jam reserves. The refrigerator contains at least 32oz of maple syrup. Economists and breakfast enthusiasts fear this imbalance in commodities could prove fatal for celiacs and blokes alike. The frivolous eating habits of the 3806 residents may have triggered an ireversable onslaught of unfathomable economic times for hours, even days to come.

The nearest Van’s retailer is an unthinkable 3-4 blocks from waffle crisis ground zero. Literally Zero. No waffles. Some analysts are comparing this waffle crash to the early 1990s when Bubble Tape and Big League Chew were overcrowding grocery store, 7-11, and gas station shelves. All of a sudden some time around June of 1993 the symbolic and literal bubble burst and these fun gums were nowhere to be found.

Newly elected FWRC (Federal Waffle Reserve Chairman) Joe Munn stated today, “In these difficult economic times gulten free goodness isn’t always a given.” He added, “ Adversity makes the man; albeit a hungry man... Van’s make the man full and jolly. What was your second question, Am I an optimist? No I don’t think so, I just want to know why I can’t produce and distribute rice flour for profit out of my bedroom... this is America isn’t it?”

While the many regretful registered voters are unsure how long Munn will remain in office, others are already petitioning to impeach him from it. Aunt Jemima’s great grandson Jerimiah Jemima is Munn’s likely successor.

If waffle stock is not replenished with by day's end a violent backlash of angry residents will sure ensue. One can only have hope. Godspeed.