RadioShack Exploring Their Options

Lance Armstorng, 38, of the US based Team RadioShack Pro cycling team spent the second rest day of the tour back across the pond. Armstrong, currently sits 25^th in the General Classification in this year’s Tour de France, 33:46 behind the Maillot Jaune of Albert Contador.

According to RadioShack’s directeurs sportif, “Lance is just too fucking old, doping with his own worn out, depleted blood banks provides no realistic aid or performance benefit.” Which, unfortunately, has been embarrassingly obvious to the general public this year.

Lance announced after Tuesdays stage 16 failed attempt at a stage win, that he will embark on a brief 24 hour reconnaissance mission back in the states. “I figure I need some younger blood pumping through my abnormally massive heart.” He continued, “I’ll chase down some unsuspecting children and hopefully return in time for the 174K stage 17 with an arsenal of fresh (never been doped) blood.”

“The way I look at it, if I can [acquire] four liters of healthy 6 year old blood, my hematocrit will mix with the new blood, averaging out my RBC at 22 years.”Armstrong was seen riding northbound in Chicago, IL at the corner or Wacker Drive and Michigan Avenue early Wednesday morning. “I averaged 535 watts for an hour, it felt really good” Armstrong continued, “But the kids were a lot harder to catch than I had anticipated. They’re slick and nimble at that age, with great speed and agility… probably better at evading a tackle than Matt Forte.”

Sue Peterson, 33 was leaving Starbucks with an ice coffee and witnessed the whole scene. “It was quite chaotic. I just saw what looked like Lance Armstrong circling around the intersection trying to pick up a pack of little kids.” Peterson watched for a minute before heading to work, “The kids were running and screaming for their mothers, but I was running late for my 9am productivity meeting and still had to stop at 7-11 for one of those breakfast hotdogs.”

Little Timmy Connors, 5, was very nearly abducted by Lance. “I was so frightened; I thought he was a poorly dressed kidnapper. My mom always says to stay away from strange men, especially those with shaved legs and expensive dark sunglasses. He nearly caught me but I was able to duck and dive away from his grasp.” Timmy was safely returned to his parents, he is participating in the Scripps National Spelling Bee later this evening.

Later

Wednesday night at the Tour press conference Lance fielded countless questions regarding his mysterious overnight excursion. “I came up empty handed, but perhaps that is for the best. I don’t know how I would have explained that sort of positive “A” sample if subpoenaed by the grand jury.”

Disclaimer:

*this is entirely fictional, please do not sue